My ongoing battle with Adderall has absolutely destroyed my life and changed me forever. 4 years ago I faked ADHD symptoms to get a perscription for Adderall to help me get through school while working full time and literally before I could even begin to worry about the possibility of addition or side effects it was too late and I was and still am 4 years later 100% physically dependent on this drug and now diagnosed with major depressive disorder, anxiety, panic attack disorder, manic depression, bipolar depression & OCD. If I dont take my adderall in the morning I am literally on bed rest and incapable of accomplishing anything at all-even showering!!! And I just binge on junk food in bed all day-its disgusting! But when I do take it I have to force myself to eat, constantly cotton mouthed, wide awake wired till 3am every single night just reading and reading about my mental health disorders. Adderall used to make me feel peppy, motivated, productive, energetic, social, outgoing and really just overall "on top of the world." In order to achieve anything remotely close to that same "high" I now have to take 3X my prescribed dosage of 30mg so 90 total which is above the "safe" prescribed amount so of course I resort to buying my friend's extras for hella expensive. I literally cant sit still without feeling "useless and unproductive" I panic about time going by too fast every day and not getting enough done because I lose track of time cleaning and organizing the tiniest details over and over that don't even matter! Adderall has consumed my being and ruined my life! My boyfriend hates how I am on adderall. I overthink EVERYTHING, he can't even stand to go grocery shopping with me because I'm so cracked out that I feel the need to check every single shelf of every single aisle and buy a million things I don't need and just blow off the actual neccessities. I pick my cuticles til they bleed-it keeps me up all night! I have these new random phobias like closing my eyes in the shower, going anywhere alone, driving anywhere. Im constantly paranoid im being followed. My pupils are constantly dilated and I am physically unable to keep my hands and fingers still. The dark circles under my eyes are impossible to cover. I honestly feel like a full blown tweaker!!! I HATE adderall! I hate what it does to me! And yet I can't stop taking it every morning!!! I feel so hopeless. I never thought I'd be an "addict" just the word freaks me out. Im also in denial because I honestly believe that there's no way I could ever function without this drug. I truly believe that I need it. I have an extremely addictive personality that runs in my family and it has gotten the best of me. Not only am I miserable now but Im terrified of what it's doing to my body longterm. I know what I have to do, I just can't do it.