Quote:
Originally Posted by CosmicRose
Couple of months ago I broke up with a great man who took me out to places and was my emotional rock. During our relationship I was suffering from major anxiety because I have an anxiety disorder. I also realize now that I was pushing him away a lot because I've never had a good relationship before and I was terrified of it (apparently that's common with Adult Children of Alcoholics like me). I tried to get him back but he said "I don't know what I want right now. I don't want you to wait for me when I go on deployment because when I come back I don't know if I want to, or if I meet someone else later." Ouch.
I also really hate my job and every day is a struggle just to do the work. I'm planning on saving up enough for a down payment and hopefully move to another state in 2 years, but then I'll have to get another job.
I feel so alone. I have no friends. I only have 1 sister and 1 niece and my dad. I don't talk to any other family members. My sister and my dad don't like talking to me because I keep asking them what I should do or what direction I should take in my life and they get tired of saying "I don't know, you need to make that decision, not us." But they won't even help me with ideas, they just keep saying I don't know and then walking away. Then they get mad and yell at me if I tell them they aren't helping. I have no support. I'm scared. I'm depressed. I pray to angels I don't even believe in at night and say things like "Please god take this anxiety away from me. Please angels help me get through this life, I don't think I can handle it."
I can't believe I broke up with the one guy who could have helped me. I can't believe how stupid I am sometimes. He wanted to marry me, I could have been saved by him like a knight on a white horse and I broke up with him! Now it's just me alone again and in the exact same position that I have been for years. Depressed. Can't afford college. Working a crap job that no one respects. Constant anxiety. Agoraphobia. No friends. 22 and wasting away with no life. Hopelessness. Pessimism. Shaking because of anxiety. Paranoia. Worst of all, I turn to alcohol when I get nervous which is a trick my alcoholic mom taught me at 14.
I need advice. Something to make me feel better. I feel like I was a mistake and someone else could have lived my life so much better. Can't believe I broke up with him. Now he's totally over me, because I'm such a screw up and he knows it.  |
Personally, I don't think you can ever depend on anyone to "save you". You need to save yourself. No one can "make" you better. You can get over this, you can move on, you can find someone else, or who knows, maybe you'll end up back with him, but you need to find it within you. Don't depend on something outside of you. Alcohol won't make it better. Nobody else is going to make this better. You can make this okay.
It sounds like you're depressed. I just broke off a 5 year engagement. I get that. Maybe you need an antidepressant short term. It would probably help treat your anxiety disorder as well. But there are lots of other things you can do. Try journaling your thoughts instead of always asking your dad/sister if they're sick of hearing it, join meet up groups, go to a local church and get involved with that (it sounds like you have a religious belief system), try to find the good in your job, look for a new job, get some exercise every day. Eat well. Watch funny tv/movies or read books that make you laugh. Make a box with songs, quotes etc that bring you up when you're feeling down.
There's a lot you can do. Don't let yourself be a victim. Some of this may sound harsh, but I let myself be a victim for far too long and it cost me a lot. I don't want that to happen to anyone else. Take care of yourself. You can get through this.