I feel so ashamed I have been having some bad flashbacks and this morning it got to be too much for me. I discovered one of my nails was sharp and used it to scratch up my arm. It looks as if a cat had scratched me but from elbow to wrist on the inside of my arm. Nothing serious only a few spots where the blood well up. Once again I was amazed at the instant relief. I actually felt good for a few seconds. I was doing so well, why couldn’t I do something else?

I hate that I did this again and I just don’t know how I am gonna tell my DH. After delaying nearly all day, I finally did call my therapist and tell her. That helped some but I feel guilty cos she was home sick. I hate when she gets sick cos then I fret about her too.

This healing process has gone on and on and I am so sick of it all. I don’t want to think about the past I don’t want to feel the past! I nearly puked cos I could feel and taste his penis again. But at least feeling it top and bottom so to speak let me know it was not real.

Sometimes I wish I could cut off and discard the parts of me that they touched but I would look strange with my lower face, my chest and my butt gone. Besides, I would rather not use a bag to poop into. Ok lame humor but at least it is an attempt. I can barely stay focused long enough to write this. Guess I need to pull out the list of insteads to do.

~D~