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I'm feeling like I'm crazy or totally not understanding something that's should be very basic and wonder if it's due to mental issues I must be having but am not aware of. I REALLY NEED TO HEAR THE OPINION OF OTHERS to get some outside perspective to figure out what is the cause of my problem so I can work towards resolution.
HISTORY: I've been in a heterosexual relationship and living with "Dan", for 19 years. (We're not married). Basically our living arrangements have been the following; I bought my house prior to us getting together and he moved in with me, therefore, I have always been the one responsible for overseeing and paying all of the living expenses such as the mortgage, water/garbage, cable, PG&E, Internet service, home phone, property taxes groceries, household items etc. I've always held a steady job that paid decent but I recently retired after 30+ years. So money is a little tighter than it use to be. Dan, has always worked in construction and would have periods in between jobs, but he tries to give me what he can, when he can, (money for bills), which I have always been able to manage the finances under most all circumstances.
HERE IS THE ISSUE: Recently, Dan has not been working and has not been able to afford to contribute anything towards the bills for the month of February, which I understand. So just about 2 weeks ago, Dan had me post some of his collectable items on ebay to get some cash.(He had me post since he isn't real computer savvy). So I took the pictures, completed the postings, kept up on bidders questions, packaged and mailed the items. We were able to make approximately $284.00, and this amount is after I deducted what ebay will charge me for their cut of the profits. Well I gave Dan this money after I transferred it from paypal to my bank account and he made no effort to kick down a little to go towards the bills. Which I didn't say anything since I felt a little sorry for him having to part with his collectable items he cherished. But then a week later, Dan bought a lottery scratcher and amazingly won $500. Dan's biggest concern was paying this hired helper he recently hired, (the son of our friends who was in need of work to support his girlfriend and baby). (To explain the "helper" situation- Dan has friend that lives on a few acres of land in rural area and he and this friend raise chickens and goats together just as a hobby and not for any income), so Dan has this kid, (helper), doing little odd jobs like building cages, fences, stacking wood, etc. and Dan goes to this land nearly everyday since he is not working right now. Dan gives this helper a little money here and there, or buys him his cigarettes, and so does the friend that owns the land where they raise these animals. Well when Dan won this $500, he made it very clear it was very important and top priority to immediately give his helper $100. I wasn't given anything. Now this really began to bother me. I know in the past, when Dan lived with his brothers as a roommate, Dan made sure that he helped them out with living expenses and didn't expect either of them to carry all the expenses. As I began to resent feeling like the lowest priority on his list, all the while maintaining a clean house, keeping up on the laundry and billing-paying as well as serving him a decent meal every night, I kept thinking that any day now, he's sure to realized it's only fair to contribute a little something towards his share of the bills. Even $50 would have been appreciated! But since that day never came, I let this situation build up inside of me. This past Friday afternoon when a friend of mine called me and asked me if I wanted to meet her for happy hour I did. I needed to vent to someone. So I left Dan a note telling him that I went to have a drink with this friend and that I had already fed our dogs so they were taken care of, and he not need to worry about them. I ended up staying out until nearly midnight, which has never been an issue in our relationship over the 19 years together. (It has always been ok if Dan wanted to go on a night out with guys and ok if I wanted a night out with the girls) so this wasn't an issue. So the next morning, I woke up about 6:00 am and felt really hungry so I went to a fast food place and got us both a breakfast and came home with it. I ate mine and fell back to sleep. A little later that morning when a phone call woke us both up, Dan ate his food then headed out the door without saying a word to me, which indicated that he was somewhat "mad" at me for something. So by the afternoon and he still wasn't home from wherever yet, the more I thought about him acting mad at me, the more upset over this whole issue of not pulling his weight got to me. So I called Dan's cell and when he answered, I said I was just wondering where you ran off too without saying a word to me this morning. And he said I'm working on a fence and will be heading back into town to get some propane. And I asked "what do you need propane for?" And with an apparent tone he said to burn off the f.......ing fox tails! So I unloaded with; "gee, I'm glad you can afford it." Then it was on! He started yelling at me then hung up on me. He yelled; "I'm not affording anything.f....ing thing .... bla bla bla...click. That got me so upset so I sat down and typed him up a note which said the exact following. This is the honest to goodness exact note, word for word:
I'm sorry for snapping at you on the phone. But lately it's been bothering me that I'm such a low priority to you when it comes to helping me out with the bills. Especially knowing my extra added tax bill I just had to pay. I wasn't that bothered when I helped you sell your ebay stuff since you didn't get that much for it. But after you also won $500 and I cashed the ticket for you, I was shocked that your only concern was making sure you paid Fred his $100. I'd been grateful if you would have at least given me $50, but I'm not important to you. This bothers me too because I know whenever you lived with either of your brothers that you made sure you helped them out with living expenses, so why is it any different with me? It cost money to live here too.
I don't expect much when I know you haven't been working, but it's pretty hurtful when I help you make nearly $300 on ebay then see you win $500 a week later and you still don't acknowledge me. I know if the situation were reversed you wouldn't be happy about it either. So don't get all pissed at me for having to get this off my chest.
In spite of this, I still try to keep the house clean, laundry caught up, meals cooked, but yet I'm still left feeling unappreciated and taken for granted. is that really fair to me?
The worst thing about all of this is the fact that I even have to bring this to your attention. I know you have common sense and know what's right and wrong with the treatment of others, but I'm so unimportant, you get all defensive towards me and act like I have no right to be upset or say one word about anything to you. And if I do, it gets all turned around as though I'm the one being unreasonable.
Well after I put this note on his dresser where I knew he would find it, I decided to take my dogs for a walk. But before I could leave Dan showed up. Trying to hurry out the door, he started yelling at me the second he stepped foot inside the front door. Still mad for my phone call I made to him he started yelling; I have other responsibilities like or not! I can't believe you calling me up like that. I had money for you last night, but you weren't home......... All I could do to contain myself was tell him that I wasn't going to stand there and allow him to keep yelling at me and I quickly left. This was the exact behavior I was referring to in my note. (The last paragraph of how I'm never allowed to speak my mind and if I do, he turns it around and tries to make everything my fault as though I'm being unreasonable). He just reaffirmed my description of his behavior towards me before he even read the note I left him.
So after I returned from walking my dogs, I saw that he was in our bedroom and I was hoping he read my note and would possibly realize the hurtful behavior he's been showing me. So to keep my distance, I went outside and sat in my backyard and cried. Hours later when it started getting dark out, I went inside to fix dinner and feed the dogs. When I went into the living room, I noticed a hundred dollar bill on the coffee table next to the note I gave him with his handwriting at the bottom that said "over" and on the backside of my note was a hand written note from him. This is the exact note he wrote back to me, word for word:
I guess that should tell me where I stand. you can have animals, dogs, birds whatever. But I just mention having a dog & you freak. Well don't worry I won't ever have one of my own anymore. But I do have the responsibilities to take care of 2 goats whether you like it or not. And that will happen. Give me a chance. I'll file my taxes as soon as my brother brings my returns. I haven't had a job since whenever. Here's a hundred. I also have gas, insurance, tools and expenses. As soon as possible I will give you some money. If that isn't fast enough throw me out of here. (Seriously) I will find some way to survive.
Here's where I NEED ANY & EVERYONE'S HELP. Can someone please tell me;
1. DID I MISS SOMETHING? WHAT KIND OF RESPONSE IS THIS??
2. DID I AT ANYTIME INDICATE THAT MY ISSUE WITH HIM IS IN REGARDS TO HIM OWNING A DOG, OR GOAT??
3. DID I AT ANYTIME SOUND LIKE I WAS THREATENING HIM TO THE POINT OF THROWING HIM OUT?
4. IS IT WRONG FOR ME EXPECT HIM TO GIVE ME A LITTLE MONEY FOR BILLS AFTER HE WON $500? Or AT ANYTIME FOR THAT MATTER?
5. DID I SOUND LIKE I'M OUT OF LINE AND HAVE NO RIGHT TO EVER TRY TO COMMUNICATE TO HIM WHEN I'M UPSET OVER ISSUES BETWEEN US?
6. AM I ACTING LIKE A CRAZY PERSON FOR FEELING LIKE I'M TAKEN FOR GRANTED?
7. WAS MY COMMENT OVER THE PHONE REALLY THAT NASTY TO BE SCREAMED OUT? WAS MY NOTE TOO RUDE?
HEEEELLLLLP ME! I'M TOTALLY LOST HERE!
Can someone please give me your thoughts on this situation. And please by all means, if you see a definite mental issue I'm overlooking, by all means, I need to know. Be brutally honest with me. I need to know if I'm crazy for not seeing it! I really feel like I'm living in a twilight zone! All comments are very much appreciated!
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