So this has been my past decade. Stretching back all of these years, my life has changed... well, it has not changed. In any way. But I miss people.

Even assuming I could overcome severe agoraphobia and paranoia that keeps me from going out and IC that prevents travel... I am at a complete loss to meet people - partly because I see the cliff in any forming relationship with telling people about my psych issues and having them... cut off, hurt, unable to deal. Thankfully my clozapine destroys my libido... but I'd kill to even actually love someone, even if it is unrequited. Just to feel something for another individual. Even if it isn't romantic.

Yet no one can understand how hard it is to go out, how afraid I am constantly. I do the NAMI groups, but there is just nothing there. No connection. No one has overcome my fear of them. Not since I left college, where you're by definition surrounded by people you have to contact - but there is no way I could go back to that environment.

It isn't just hard for me to meet people from anxiety, but I get paranoid, I feel that they judge and would harm me... especially that I would just be a waste or a weight on their lives. Who would put up with so much that I have wrong.

I'm pretty close to giving up on people entirely. It seems like the only place I can feel comfortable is inside my walls on my computer where people are kept far away.