So I've going through this too except I fear people will hurt me if I get them too close I'm afraid of people that way so instead I want them to harm me. So I get a form of attention and pleasure. I just read something about being emotionally neglected. I guess that's why I'm sidelined. I'm damn terrified of feeling having feelings for anyone or if they have feelings for me. I get scared of hurting them and I'm afraid of never being good enough. That I have to work hard to get a second of happiness feeling accounted for loved and cherished that I exist.

I go as far as going through really brutal harmful stuff just for someone else. I should do better but idk what I should if I'm not doing that anymore. Relationships scare me friendships scare me, I don't trust my dog anymore. Like the ****.