i agree with chaoticinsanity when he says the fact that you are going to meetings, despite being loaded shows that you actually want help beating this nasty thing that is called addiction. please remember lonelysoul that no one is better than anyone else. we all have our vices, it doesn't make you a bad person or a failure. some of us it takes more to finally see that light at the end of the tunnel, I ASSURE YOU IT EXISTS. recovery takes work, and as an addict myself, i am proud of you for sharing with this forum. the fact that you are ashamed of your addiction as well, shows that you're probably ready to leave it behind. remember, we don't stop being addicts, we just arrest the disease. the moment we pick up again can be deadly for us. all you have is today, and remember take one day at a time. hell, take it one minute at a time, every minute you don't get high, congratulate yourself. do not beat yourself up if you relapse, it is not the end of the world. dust yourself off and try again.