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[FONT="Arial"]So, as soon as I'm stable enough to be transferred, I'm being medivaced from the ICU here to the ICU at Johns Hopkins. And I'm terrified. And I'm really ambivalent. I don't know if I'm ready to change. I don't know if I want to change. I don't want to live like this, in and out of the hospital, but I don't know how to live without my eating disorder. I'm afraid of who I am without my eating disorder, I'm afraid I'm nothing, just a big, empty hole. I'm also afraid that they're not going to be able to help me, and I'm destined to die from this. I've been in IP treatment programs 6 times and had multiple, multiple medical hospitalizations and I'm worse if anything else. I had two good years the last two years until about 9 months ago, and that was the longest period of time I've had relatively behavior free in the last 20 plus years. I just don't know if I can do this. And I'm scared to even try because I don't want to fail at something else. I don't know if anyone has any similar experiences or any advice, but I'd love to hear anything right now. I'm more than terrified. [/COLOR][/COLOR][/FONT]
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