i was like this and i guess i still am. i absolutely hate dealing with people/going out in public. i am constantly paranoid and annoyed. i think i am annoyed because i am paranoid. i do not enjoy random questions from strangers. these feelings are internal, on the outside i seem fine. maybe a bit awkward to the general public but i don't really care what they think of me - only if they are trying to attack me/collect information.
what i do, is just do the things i have to do regardless if i don't want to - i am a single mother who is unmedicated and i have bills and rent and things to do. i cannot let this mental disorder cripple me. life is really rough for me, but i just push push push myself. before i had my child, i laid in bed all day listening to all the bs the voices had to say - was very damaging. the thing is; i was medicated and i had a job. the walk to the bus stop, the bus, work, lunch, everything was absolutely terrible. i was constantly being followed and when i would return from work, everything in my apartment would be moved around, furniture and all, things in my refrigerator i did not buy, things left on the counters that i did not put there... so even in my own home i was paranoid. if i wasn't laying in bed i was sitting on the floor staring at the walls. revving engines in the parking lot, conversations of people walking by my apartment - all of it was damaging and eventually i had to check myself into a hospital after i took all of my seroquel. i took all of my seroquel and still survived, i was hoping i died so everything would stop - instead nothing stopped and i was still paranoid but for whatever reason, checked myself into the hospital - because despite everything, i knew i needed help.
shmooey - i too had a thing with words, i swore that graffiti had hidden messages and would spend a lot of time reading walls - writing replies. and when i was at work, they once had me organizing brand names and every brand name was a message into my past/meant something from my past and had a message about my future. all of my co-workers were collecting information. so i would hardly speak to anyone and all of their conversations were directed at me even though they were not talking to me. even the customers conversations were directed at me, the things they would do, how they would pick things up...
that was a really hard time in my life and i honestly have no idea how i got out of that. anyway, now i'm rambling. thanks for reading. kthnxbye. hahah.