Gareth,
Thank you for responding to my message.
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Originally Posted by Gareth Monkton
I am in continual torment ; partly because I cannot understand what went wrong with me. How I allowed the illness take control affect my thoughts and reactions ; for me to react in totally uncharacteristic ways. Also the torment of not being able to achieve closure by knowing for sure who it was who persecuted me for nearly two years.
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You are the victim of blackmail, insidious foul play that cost you your job, your work relationships and your mental stability. That the culprit remain unrecognized and unpunished must multiply your anguish. I am so sorry to hear that you had to endure this ordeal. It sounds tragic and horribly damaging. No one deserves to suffer as you have, especially someone made more vulnerable by mental illness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gareth Monkton
Does mental ill health, psychosis, hallucinations cause prople to think irrationally, lose a sense of reality, loss of judgement - in my case doing some things which werr hitherto totally out of character and contrary to my previously high principles and morals ?
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Yes.
However, completely independent of mental illness, personality and morality, the stress and desperation of your circumstances could drive someone without any kind of mental disorder to do things completely out of character and contrary to high principles and morals. What happened to you and your family was a punishment right out of the Book of Job. Your disease made the situation more painful and vastly more difficult to negotiate successfully, and worse, has made you question your most fundamental ideas about yourself.
What happened was not your fault. You are obviously a good person who cares deeply about his family and his own morals and behavior. I hope that you can recover from the torment of blaming yourself, as it is terribly wasteful and self-destructive to compound your trauma by attacking yourself. You did the best you could to defend your family and yourself against a criminal assault, and you didn't get the support and understanding you deserved. I hope that you are able to heal from this terrible experience and overcome the doubts you now have about yourself.
Discussing these issues with a therapist better qualified to help you than a concerned stranger informed only by his own disease and pain (that would be me) could be very helpful. I offer my sincere sympathy and whatever consolation my commentary can provide.