Thank you for all of the replies. It means a lot to me. I have thought about seeing a therapist to free myself of the abortion guilt. I'm also hoping that somehow I will be able to trust men again and to put my guard down. The experience has put me into a deep depression. I hide it very well with a sense of humor and bubbly personality. I did contemplate whether life was worth living at certain points. But I was strong enough to realize those thoughts are unhealthy and that life is really a gift to live.

ChaoticInsanity - I did have the chance about a year ago to talk with him about it in person. It was April of last year when he called me to visit him in Ohio. We spent the day together but just the awe of seeing him (I still had strong feelings) made it hard for me to want to ruin the moment. I know I needed to, and I regret it. He moved back to India now so I won't see him again. As I had mentioned , he messaged me several weeks before his wedding to see me. I originally said I couldn't see him, but he tried to convince me to change my mind. I mentioned I had an idea he was getting married, but he wouldn't admit it to me. He texted the next morning to cancel again after I finally agreed to let him come visit for the last time. I was too embarrassed to mention that on here. I felt too embarrassed and weak that I let him get the best of me again.