[QUOTE=AlwaysChanging2;4331804]Yes, you have to post 5 I believe. Your voices, can you talk to them? Ask them why they do what they do? Tell them to chill out?

After 47 years I've got so many alters, it sounds like a subway station sometimes byif they all jabber like when I ask for their opinions. But for the most part, about 5 is actually active and the rest stay quiet. Every now and then someone would shout out their opinion which has messed things up in the past. I've always talked to them all my life, it's part of my thinking process- a group effort. After being terrorized for 18 years, we all have a common bond.

We quit picking names because since we switch so many times we don't remeber who's who, so we just started calling ourselves by the job we do, at least the freshly discovered ones do. The named ones are already named. Being co-conscience is being aware of my others. Alter memories stay with alters, so memories fade away into a dream to disappear when we switch. We tend to share some memories, it takes awhile for someone to dig it out and share it so I stand there looking like I'm brain dead waiting on a memory, like what's your birthdate?.....uuuhhhh....waiting guys...Lol

My days are just segmented bits of time somewhat jumbled if I can remember any of it at all. I hate it when things disappear to sometimes reappear elsewhere. Or I can't remember what I just did. Or when I'm in a trance like daze doing things then it seems like a dream and I don't know if it really happened of not. Or I'm floating in my body watching me do things. It seems so unreal at times.

I was abused as a kid all the way to high school. My parents were my bullies. The whipping began as soon as I was able to walk and talk. My father would beat me as I crawled away begging to not kill me. This is so hard to write. I was an empty shell of a person, being bipolar didn't help none. I was able to dissassociate from the pain and be a happy kid again. But by the time I was a teenager, I was whooped, ready to die.

As an empty shell, all I am is a floating conscience with the alters filling in the blanks. I'm me, but I'm always an alter me. My host alter changes with the times. It's like I've lived 7 different lives so far.

I'm so used to living like this, It's my normal. The damage is so extent, I can't see it being repaired. I also hear how some of us don't want to change. I really don't think integration can be possible, I don't know.[/QUOTE

Hi Alwayschanging2, and thanks for the response!!

I'm so sorry your childhood was so traumatic, but at least you grew up to have a good attitude despite everything you've been through. At least you have a good attitude with me here online. I can't speak for the rest of the time. My childhood wasn't very traumatic. At least not as bad as yours. Though I was severely neglected by my alcoholic grandmother, I wasn't beaten or molested that I can remember. I know my mom and dad left suddenly, and my grandmother raised me. I was an afterthought to her. I was a mere possession. I went weeks without bathing and was sent home from school often for smelling bad

My first real trauma happened when I was 18 and forcibly sodomized by a guy who was 6'4". This happened in the military when I was stationed in Germany, so I had no family or friends to support me. I didn't get medical care because the guy left me for dead, and I was told by the commanding officer that if he found out I got hurt, I would get in trouble. So I suffered in silence. I was in love with the guy who hurt me, but instead of apologizing, he treated me like crap. To top it all off, rumors went around about how I was a liar and "accused" this guy of rape. It was a very traumatic time in my life, so no wonder one of my alters is a teenage girl!

I have experienced more trauma since then. So much that it's a miracle I'm alive. The only issue now though is my mind ain't right. Lol. But I'm working on it. I'm trying to get better, but unfortunately my pesky alter is still working hard to foil my plans. I agree with you in that the alters cannot be merged back together. I highly doubt that will ever happen to me. Now that they split, they don't even like each other. My goal is to find peace, and to get us to work together for the greater good.