Yesterday was the hardest session I have ever had. I have been trying to process what happened and why I feel so damn bad about all of this.
I was telling my t about chatting with my tutors( her colleagues). She asked what was said and I couldn't tell her because it was too embarrassing. I wrote a thread last week about having to leave my t because my tutors suggested it. Well as I was chatting to them one of them said she thought my feelings were deeper than attachment. I am not quite sure what they are. I am fond of t and attached but would never use the word love. Well this is what word the tutor used.
As I was telling t about it as soon as it got to the difficult part about my feelings for her I shut down. I couldn't talk and my head went down in shame. T said she didn't think it was fair that I started talking about this and then woukdnt tell her what was said. She asked was it something to do with my sexuality. I nodded she then thought that I had feelings for someone on the course with me. I shook my head. I said it was about her. At this point t went bright red. She asked if I had feelings for her. I couldn't even look at her, I was that embarrassed..
She repeated the question. I still couldn't answer so she shouted "Mona, do you have feelings for me?"
It really frightened me that she shouted. We went over time and she asked if I needed support and I nodded she then said "well how can I support you if you won't tell me?"
She asked if I wanted to hear her feeling about me! I nodded.
" I am heterosexual and in a relationship, I like working with you" . T was so shocked because she didn't know what to say and at the end of the session she said "eels we are both still alive.
I am really confused about her reaction, her shouting at me and insisting she is a heterosexual.