Well I was tired all day today. Mostly because I was up late last night posting on this forum and updating my profile. To top it off I had to drive all the way to Santa Monica for a CT scan (I'm from Rancho Cucamonga). That's a 57 mile drive in Los Angeles traffic. I wasn't listening to the radio while I was driving, and between the lull of driving and my tiredness, I found myself in a trance like state. For whatever reason I felt compelled to go to El Pollo Loco, but not the one on the way to my house. I actually passed the one by my house and drove out of my way to an El Pollo Loco that was farther. In my trance like state I sat in the parking lot for two hours before I got any food. I'm not exactly sure why I was there for two hours. It felt like there was a reason, but I just couldn't figure out what that reason was. Then a phone call pulled me from my trance and I felt wide awake. I got some food and drove home.

Now I know this isn't really that big of a deal. I'm sure that happens to a lot of people in this forum, but it's not something that happens to me a lot. I don't think I actually switched personalities completely, but I was in an ultra disassociated state. I had responsibilities too. I was supposed to go home and take care of my child. My DID symptoms have been all around getting stronger, and it's a little scary. I think I had a mild form of DID all of my life, but recently the alters are getting stronger and smarter. I've always been able to work and be responsible, but I'm afraid this disorder may rob me of my livelihood if it keeps getting worse. My personal relationships were one thing, but my ability to work and take care of my family is a whole other dynamic that I don't want affected by my issues.

Someone in this forum told me about co-hosting, which sounds the best to me. It would be nice to be able to have conversations with my alters, but we are never awake at the same time. She is awake when I'm asleep. All I get are small flashes of memories of things I said or did in an altered state. This makes it hard for me to communicate with them. I was able to bring my alter out on command by meditating a few weeks ago, but there was no one around to talk to her. This Friday I have an appointment with a new therapist who deals with regression and hypnotherapy. My hope is that this therapist can hypnotize my alter awake and she can talk some sense in to her. I would like to make a truce with my sinister alter so we don't have to fight anymore. I'm sure sick of fighting with her. I think she is mad at my for calling her a sociopath last night. I think that may be why she brought me to El Pollo Loco and had me sit there for two hours. She might have been trying to play a trick on me or something in an attempt to get back at me.

Just an FYI I'm an extremely paranoid person, and that's in part due to having a sinister alter personality who enjoys hurting me. I take two steps forward, and she pushes me three steps back. She is constantly sabotaging my attempts to get help for my DID, and she is in cahoots with the people I believe are actively stalking me. And they are stalking me because SHE told them to stalk me. I will not get into that story on this forum because this isn't about that. I'm here to make friends and discuss my issues with DID with people who understand! So far, I've gotten a few good ideas. I keep hearing I should try and talk to my alter, but since I don't co-host, I don't know how. Anyone have any ideas about how someone who doesn't co-host can communicate with their alters? Any ideas are worthy in my book. Even if I can't use them, I can tweak them so they work for me.

Again, thank you to everyone who is taking time out of their busy day to read this. And thank you for accepting me into the group.

Love and Blessings,

Jen