So kind of all over the board...?

Well since you are not living with them you can make a list of boundaries...and one by one as they are broken...you'll be able to tell that family member.

Example: Family member calls you a name. "If you say 'blank' I will not be able to continue this phone conversation." Next time it happens (as it will). "I'm sorry but I'm unable to continue this conversation - but I would love to talk to you again when your able not to 'blank'"

Anyways I have no idea if this even comes close to your issues...I think when family are toxic, you need to set the boundaries for you written down and one by one deal with them as they come up...