I've mentioned now that I hear voices, but mostly at night when I'm trying to sleep and/or falling asleep. Just this morning I fell back to sleep after dropping my son off at school this morning, but I needed to wake up to get ready for a doctor's appointment. I heard a distinct female voice in my head whisper, "You gotta get up Jen." Stuff like this has happened my whole life, and I always believed it was my guardian angels making sure I don't sleep in. One time I was dating a total loser, but he was lying to me and trying to get me to believe he wasn't a loser. He asked to borrow some money for a down payment on a trailer home, and I was unsure if I should give him the loan. Then I walked into the back yard to do something while he was in the house. Suddenly, I hear a voice inside my head as loud as the sun. It said:

"STOP!! LISTEN TO ME. THIS GUY'S LYING TO YOU. THE AUDACITY OF HIM TO ASK YOU FOR MONEY. YOU NEED TO BREAK UP WITH HIM AND CUT ALL TIES."

In all honesty the voice scared me. I came back inside and told the guy I wasn't giving him the money and we needed to break up. Him being a master manipulator got me to change my mind, and I lent him the money. Later I found out he was a con with warrants out for his arrest and I found the papers for the trailer he was trying to buy. He asked to borrow twice as much as he needed according to the paperwork. The voice was right. I always figured it was my guardian angel warning me. Or maybe just my subconscious mind. Now I'm wondering if it was an alter personality.

There are a few other stories like this one, but I don't want to bore anyone to tears. LOL. So let's talk about the first time I heard voices. I was about 12 years old and it was very close to a time I came to my mom and confessed that I couldn't recognize my own face. It was evening time and my mom was in the other room. I heard a voice say "what did you want to watch on TV tonight?" Then another voice, "What about Beverly Hills 90210?" I thought it was my mom talking and I said 90210 was fine to watch. MY mom came in the room puzzled and asked who I was talking to. I said I was talking to her, though I thought it was odd that the voices were INSIDE my head. She told me we were going to get my hearing checked, and that was that. We never got my hearing checked, and I haven't heard voices like that again until now, which is 20 years later. This is not counting the voices that come to protect me every once in a while. Those voices may very well be angelic.

I'm just thinking out loud. Someone made a comment about the voices that I hear, so I thought I'd write about them to make myself more clear. I am on a lot of heavy medications, and that's what also may be causing the voices to suddenly increase as well. I'm not overly concerned about the voices, but I know well enough not to share this with my psych team. The voices ma be DID related as well because I feel my DID has been steadily getting worse. There will be a climax soon and I'm scared of what that will actually entail. I'm afraid of ruining what's left of my life, and losing myself in the process. It scares me because I have a kid who relies on me for everything. I'm his sole source of support and I need to work in order to support him. I just can't afford to lose it just yet, so I keep fighting.

If it were angels guiding me my whole life, I really need them right now.

Love and Blessings,

Jen <3