Hub's birthday today and all I wanna do is cut I am trying so hard not to, as we have to go out with his family tonight and I dont wanna go out all bandaged up But something inside me wants that relief, that release, wants to cut, wants to hurt. I want to cry but I have no tears, only crimson tears I have been back at work this week, so on went the mask, everyone saying how much better I looked, how nice it was to have me back, and me, smiling through the pain to say yeah, its good to be back, when all I want to do is hide in the toilets and cut. But I wont, not while i am at work. Have cut in the toilets on the train home a couple of times, didnt even have the will power to leave it til i got home. I hate this, I hate how I can go from doing ok to cutting and contemplating an OD in a matter of hours. I want to be ok, I am fed up of being "ill". I want to be "normal" whateve normal may be. I feel like such a **** selfish person, but I am just so so fed up of me. All I ever seem to do is moan, and whinge, and I am fed up of doing that. I try to not do it, i try to just forget about it and get on with my life, but no. Well, **** it, I started moaning and *****ing and whinging, I might as well carry on...my advise to you...stop reading now, I would if I were you, if you have even got this far. I am only gonna whinge and moan about how crap my life is, nothing of interest to anyone. I mean, how difficult is it to say please and thank you? or move out of the way so you can get off the train. Just seems like everything is pissing me off recently. TOday, I might as well of not exsited at work, i was ignored by other members of my department, the kids in my classes were ignoring everything I said, I just felt like jumping out the window. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH I just want to cut, to feel the flow of crimson tears against my skin, in their familiar, comforting way, but NO. I am not gonna do it, not tonight, well not before I go out anyway. I have a window of opportunity tonight, when I get home, when Hub will go check his email and play his game for a bit, I can be alone, and cut. Or I can wait for him to go to bed, then I know I wont be interrupted. I can try all those crappy techniques that seem to work for everyone but me, gripping the ice, pinging the elastic band, all those things you are supposed to do instead of cutting. Think about breathing, in....out....in....out, YES I KNOW HOW TO BREATHE THANK YOU. Why do doctors think that because you want to cut, you have lost the ability to breathe????? THats all I ever get told to do by my doctor or my CPN, Breathe, try distracting. I try, God do I try, I make bracelets, i have made over 50 of the in the last week, i play piano, my saxophone, NOTHING HELPS. WHY??????? It used to sometimes, now, it very rarely helps. And I was supposed to be better. After coming out of hospital, I thought I was getting "better" whatever that might be. Sorry for going on, and I apologise if I have pissed anyone off, I just want this all to be over and for me to be ME again