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04:43 PM

….so different from this hell I'm living.

One line from a very sad song that sums up just about everything going through my head right now. The shadows, the voices…the bullies, torturing me with evil thoughts, planting the intrusive thinking deep within my brain behind a locked door with no key. I want those thoughts gone and I can't set them free. When I try to voice them no one hears. When I'm put on the spot they keep me from freely thinking. I cannot escape and they are currently ruling my life.

Possible trigger:

To wake up daily, looking over at my pretty wife and I can't even admire her beauty. All I can think of is how I can end it. How I can escape to never return. Why do they want me dead? Why? Why do these vicious demons feed my head with such pain an agony. Why do they torture me? Why won't they let me be free. I hate that they are there, I hate that I can see them, and what's worse, I hate that I can hear them. Their whispered laughter ringing in my ears, mocking me as I try to beat them. Calling me names, calling me weak. Telling me that I am nothing and never will be. I try to sleep to avoid them. They scream in my house all hours. To wake up to the sound of someone being brutally beaten and torn apart, just to see there is nothing there. They whisper foul things in my ear as I sleep… I can't look at my wife. THe things they claim she says, they things they claim she thinks. I feel so out of my damn head that I almost want to believe them. And I know that if I don't end this soon I will end up breaking her heart. I have already pushed so many people away on account of they hellish figures that have taken over. These destroyer of lives….

Lets not get started on the spies…

I am trying to get through this. I am seeing a team of 4 docs that are trying to make heads or tails of what is going on in my head. I am trying to keep moving forward. I'm falling on my face and they push my head in the mud as I try to stand back up….I feel like my heart is breaking..