I enjoyed the time with you today but I walked away feeling alone and empty. I sat out in the breezeway for ½ an hour crying and writing about how I was feeling. I also was very angry with your effing secretary. The time before last I asked her if I should make some more appointments and she said that I am far enough out and I should be okay. Today I asked again and found out that there is only one opening in April. So I will have to go a month away from you... I mean between appointments. Then she tells me, "You don't have one next week." She looked up the date and was wrong but f***! What the hell was she trying to do to me? She commented, "You have a new tattoo. What does it say?" I said, "it's
written in Tibetan script," but I refused to tell her because... Well because I don't like her and you don't know because you didn't ask. I'm not going to tell her!

There are two things that I am really afraid to talk to you about. The first is that I am not doing well with finances. Of course the reason I don't want to talk about it is because you keep saying, "You can't afford to see me twice a month." I know it's true but I don't know what to do about it. I don't even want to think about it so I just keep pushing forward and waiting for the collapse.

The other thing I guess I will tell you but it will be hard. I think I'm afraid of being happy. It is uncomfortable & I will lose you. If I get well you won't see me anymore. I suppose the fact that I'm having separation anxiety and I am crying right now tells me that I need not worry about the last issue because clearly I am not well.

I find it painful to deal with these emotions towards you. I haven't done the bad thing in two weeks but it's calling my name right now. I can't stand these feelings. It makes me want to... Well, you know. Here's the thing that I hate the most and that is the fact that me seeing you more is what I want but I think it worsens these feelings for you. The obvious choice then is to save money (I feel like I can't breathe) and see you monthly instead. Then I ask myself... How will I ever deal with these emotions if I just avoid them? I mean, pushing away from you doesn't solve the problem. If I don't ever learn to fix this problem it will happen for the rest of my life.