Hello everyone! I'm returning to read the forums and I thought I would give a slight update, although I know maybe my original post was not read very widely. But this may be interesting to some people.

I am starting to realize that it is possible I have undiagnosed Adult ADHD. It's true I am depressed, but I'm depressed because I have low self-esteem due to never being treated like a true equal. Being so dependent on others puts me in a bad place, where there is an innate power imbalance in every single relationship. Friendships have been tough too, as I never do see people wanting to do much with me, due to some glaring faults I think others perceive. A good example of this is that I do not drive, never have. I was very afraid to drive after I tried it when I was younger. I felt like I couldn't concentrate on the road and the passenger (the driving instructor) was a huge distraction for me. The fact that I never drove always made me seem like kind of a bad friend to have because inevitably it would become a pain to come pick me up, and then they are asking if you can get your own ride. Nope!

I think my struggles which were truly in solitary ways, were hard for me to comprehend so I ended up telling myself "stories" about why I was depressed. I was always telling myself that other people were being hard on me, or were judging me and I was hypersensitive to implied rejection or hurt (due to a LONG standing history of not feeling like I could achieve or do things that earned me status in any way).

I assumed that being a woman may have contributed to my perceived bad treatment because my parents always acted like I was not trustworthy and they gave my 2 brothers all the privileges such as a house key or a family car, while I was never encouraged to drive and never even trusted with a house key! My parents assumed that since I was home sometimes early and not with my brother, I may have friends in. So I had no key ever and often ended up sitting in the backyard for 1 or 2 hours after school.

SO many things like that all my childhood and early adult life really made me feel sad and anxious, but I think it was probably ADHD and also the accompanying depression.

I'm starting to see that my anxiety may actually be the only way I can rouse myself and focus enough to finish up something or get on deadline! I can NOT finish something or truly be effective unless I get frustrated or anxious! I think that's my catalyst in my head to actually be serious and do it finally. (In other words, I read with in people with ADHD, self created stress can help the mind focus and finish things. Or simply experiencing a deadline and some consequences if you fail to finish).

I'm not diagnosing myself. Obviously I'm open to other ideas from whoever I end up getting an evaluation done. But I think because I am female and I was mothered by a real "General" type who made me do things and also did my work when I failed... That all made me a type of woman who seems normal but always feels there's something crucially different about me, where I can't quit achieve any normal age-related things. My ADHD would be moderate to severe if I have it. But I am smart enough to fake normal and be in college (only graduating in the end because they pushed me out by rearranging my credits!)