I am a mess.......already near crisis, and then this in todays session. I know I had good warning, and I had a feeling he would cinfirm today.......just......

How? How can I cope, my emotions are out of control! I just want to not exist and not have to feel this.

I could not say anything, of my own feelings that is. Just strangled by guilt and fear. And now facing a huge job of finding someone else......

I cant explain how that process needs to happen here......my brain is not functioning properly. Barely keeping it together....

And I think more than evet before in the last 4 years sober..........I desperately need and want to get a drink. I want to not feel......this hurts so much!! He said he would see me through this, he got me to trust and be attached to him, to feel safe for the first time, safe to explore all this........it is so not ok........

Sorry to vent, just worried for myself......and here I can actually say what I need to say......slowly, eventually...if that is ok.