Quote:
Originally Posted by kelly8896
I think you are not off base expecting him to step up and contribute financially or otherwise. It’s a hard situation and feelings can get hurt on both ends.
Although your note explained your feelings it also put him on the defense right off the get go. He most likely is feeling emasculated due to not being able to contribute financially, but there are other ways to contribute when these hard times come along if you are willing to suggest that.
Try keeping in mind what you want in the end when talking to him or leaving a note and aim for that end goal, not just getting things off your chest to make you feel better. Talk to a girlfriend or your mom or sister to ***** and complain about his lack of appreciation and financial support. Then you get it off your chest and can come back to talk more calmly to him.
I thought you started off good, by being specific in your apology about snapping at him on the phone. However after that it gets a little obtrusive (this may not be a good word to use here) and puts him on the defense.
I hear you saying you not only want financial support from him but you would like for him to show you some appreciation for all the things you do. There’s nothing wrong with that and you deserve both.
Does he do anything around the house to help out? What are these goats, a chore he has around the house? Maybe tell him something specific about how you appreciate the things he does around the house, like, I appreciate how you take care of your goats, pick up your dishes, take out the trash, your effort in getting work when you can, the way you make love to me, mention some little things, (really pad his ego so he feels you notice and appreciate the things he does, even in these trying times), then follow up with, you know, I feel we should talk about the finances and find a path forward in getting bills paid with things being tighter right now. I feel stressed out about it and it would make me feel better if we could talk and figure out a plan forward. Ask him his thoughts and plans to provide more financial support, or support in doing more around the house.
I don’t know Dan or how he treats you, 19 years is really long, so there has to be something you guys love about each other. Find those things, make sure to thank him for everything or anything he does, even the little stuff, a compliment he gives you. Guys like to feel manly and like to feel they are making you happy. I believe if you show appreciation you will get it in return. Now, again I don’t know Dan, so maybe he isn’t thoughtful, or thankful or doesn’t express it, but that could be another subject to talk about once the finances are discussed.
Sorry for the long response – hope something I said helps. Good luck.
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Thanks for your reply Kelly 8896. Not to sound like a bf basher, nor a whiner, but I nearly rolled on the floor w/ laughter at your question; "What does he do around the house?" Well....let see, leaves his dirty clothes on the floor for me to pick up and take 4 steps over to the laundry basket where they go. He hasn't washed a dish that I can recall in the 19 years we've been together. I think he's fed our dogs 1-2 times in since we've had them. He leaves newspapers scattered in the bedroom or bathroom or both places. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't even know how to turn on the vacuum cleaner. As far as carry out the trash, once in a great while (2-3 times maybe per month), when he does decide to carry it out, he does it when the kitchen garbage can is 2/3 full, which to me is a wasted trash bag and their not cheap. So one day I said, "Don't get me wrong, I appreciate you taking out the garbage, but I notice you when you do it, the trash isn't quite full and it still has room for more trash". His explanation was that he didn't want to wait and do it when it gets heavy! OMG! I always do, but that's ok! I had to bite my tongue on that one. (I felt like saying, yeah, you're not the one buying the expensive trash bags either)! He won't make the bed even if he's the last one to get up from it. Put it this way, I live in a house where I open the fridge and see an empty carton or container sitting there cuz it would be too much effort to lift it up and put it in the trash! As far as the goats, those are at his friend's house and he raises them as a hobby. HE CHOSE TO DO THIS AND I HAVE NOTHING to do with it! I don't care that he wants to care for him. I'm glad to know that he is capable of caring for another living being!
Anyhow, I have tried the acknowledgement route with him to show him that he's appreciated and it's nice to acknowledged, but that doesn't change anything in getting him to realize anything I do. He's never been one to talk about any problems and automatically goes on the defense. I guess I've learned to put up with it for the most part, but sometimes get really angry dealing with it. But I thank you for your reply. I'm just glad to know that I'm officially crazy, cuz he sure can make me feel like it at times.