It is quiet now, Friday night, got my boy to bed.........and I feel completely alone with this, and completely destroyed.

I just realised it is Friday 13th. Hah!

I'm stunned............I don't know what to do. How can I find a new therapist(if I can face that right now) and end this bloody relationship that has meant so much to me, and write papers for my degree, and be a good mum, and work, and and and and and...............

And grieve........I don't even know how to do that. I only know how to stuff & hide emotional pain. I only know to self medicate with booze, and I really want that now, that oblivion.

I know this is a complainy bit of writing, and I should be able to manage by now.........I just don't know how. I'm sorry to vent it out here........I need help with this........I don't have a partner to support me, my family don't want to know, I have one close friend but it is too much to burden someone with all the time.

I'm scared, and have already been experiencing ptsd panic attacks and big instability this week, before this happened. I am scared........