I am devastated.....my therapist is definitely leaving.......6-8 weeks max and it is all over.

I think I am really angry, and disappointed, and sad and hurt and so many ****ing feelings all at once that I feel the start of one and it gets shoved away........and I am left with numb. My body feels weird......very strange feelings in my arms and legs, heavy. My chest and throat feel constricted.

(****, my therapist would be so happy to actually hear me finally, FINALLY, talking about what my ****ing body feels.....)

This last week and a half has been very difficult anyway, I had a complete freak out 2 days ago at university and had to leave. Made a complete fool of myself infront of a lecturer, and some also in front of my classmates.......I have been spinning into a deep ptsd spiral.....

And now this....the final, definite news. I am ****ED!

I have no option apart from being exited from the service that I have been seeing this therapist at. The work I need to do now......doesn't fit there model.......it never has really but I guess my therapist would have fought my case and kept me there anyway.

I have no money. I can not afford private therapy. My only option is to apply to the government through a compensation programme for people who have 'mental injury' due to sexual abuse or assault. I have to go through assessments with complete strangers for them to decide if I am bad enough to warrant them funding me.........

I have to find a new therapist, out of a very small select few who are authorised or contracted by the govt. I will be turned in to a case to be managed. I will have to explain detailed accounts of stuff I haven't even spoken at any length to my therapist about.

And I have to find a way to be ok saying goodbye to my therapist..........

I am in so much pain right now, and all I want is to drink to obliterate all these feelings.......I just want it all to go away, I want to disappear.......

How the **** am I supposed to go through all that.....and be a good mum, attend uni, write papers for my degree, work and and and..........

I AM NOT FEELING GRATEFUL RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I apologise for the rant, the language, the shouting, I am sorry I can not contain this myself)