You really sound upset. It must be a lot of stress for you to have all those relatives around right now. I know it's Hub's birthday, but if you just aren't up to this big meal with everyone, it is your perogotive to say you just can't or don't want to right now. Maybe they will be more understanding than you think they will. What's the worst that could happen? How would you like everything to work out, assuming all the best possibilities?

It is okay to speak up for what you want, need, think, and feel. The more you do, the easier it gets, and the more people will get used to taking your needs into consideration. Do you think it could be worth a try?

As for breathing, and all the other things that are supposed to help you get past the urge to hurt yourself, well, you have the control. If you believe that it will help you more to cut than it will to slow down and relax and think things through or distract yourself, then you will keep wanting to cut. Nobody and nothing can force you to stop wanting something if you really do want it. But consider what it is that you really want? What is it that you get out of cutting, and is there any other way of satisfying your needs? Since you have the control, you can also allow yourself to be soothed, at least for a short time and from minute to minute if that is what it takes. In your life, everything is your choice, and it would not be right for anyone to force change upon you. It will have to happen when you are ready, and on your own schedule.

I hope that you feel better soon, and that you make it through the night without getting hurt. I hope that you want to be safe and secure, and if you don't now, that you will want that soon. Because you can be safe when you want to be.

Rap