I'm so sorry to read you are feeling like this, you are so articulate in your writing and you express yourself very well, you aren't rambling at all.
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But my time is mostly solitary here. I don't integrate/fit into where I am that well. I don't think the people around me can easily relate to me and understand me even if they care about helping me.
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When my depression was at it's worst that's how I felt, and I had a family - I felt huge guilt for not being able to be a proper mother. Depression does terrible things, but it can and will get better.
Wishing you better times soon.
