Thanks This tells me I'm on the right track, actually. My boss said in my appraisal recently that she's noticed I've got lots more assertive over the year. I tend to deal with very high-level people and at first I didn't have much confidence in that, but now I'm assertive (in a polite, professional way) with people at all levels. I think having that in my job has also made me a lot more assertive in the rest of my life, because after you've openly disagreed with the CEO it's not frightening to stand up for yourself in any situation! Although sometimes I doubt that whatever I'm feeling is rational (I freak out if my emotions don't seem to have a rational cause because I think it proves I'm 'mental' and then I don't want to share because I'm embarrassed and think people will find out I have issues). If that's going on then I'm likely to be less assertive because I don't want to admit that I feel something that doesn't really make any sense. I've realised this is does me harm, though, so I've made the conscious decision to 'own my feelings' in a sense and just say, well I feel this way and that's how I feel and how I feel matters.

I'm pretty good at empathy with others, it's something I'm fortunate people have pointed out in me, and I'm very good at seeing the other person's side in things, but I can be awful at self-compassion and sometimes I wholly take the other person's side if there is any conflict. My friends might stick up for me if I tell them about it later, but I'm very adept at persuading them that I was the person in the wrong! I need to stop taking responsibility for everything, I've realised that, and hope that next time there is any conflict (it's pretty rare for me so no time to practice!) I will remember to only own my own behaviour and not theirs too.

I've tried social clubs but I did end up chickening out. Each week I have another go at persuading myself to go again, so maybe I can have another go this week. This is something I'm just going to have to keep working at, I think. It's a bit harder to overcome. I'm always fine the first time I meet people but if I feel like I've made mistakes I never want to see them again, so I start avoiding. I know not to do this but I can feel so horrific in those moments that it's difficult to overcome. I'm nowhere near as shy as I was this time last year (in fact, I doubt anyone I've met this year knows I'm shy - some have seemed really surprised when I said I used to be shy!) so this will come with time and more practice, I think.

I had a little look at the article - thank you Again, I think it's telling me I'm on the right track. I don't tend to rely on others for love as a standard - I don't think it's fair on them - although in my worst moments when I was younger I have relied too heavily on others. But to be honest, sometimes those articles sort of agree with the voice in my head - you can be around other people when you learn to be happy. Before then, you're not good enough, you've got a big hole inside. Learn to be happy with who you are first, then you'll become acceptable to other people.

I know I'm reading that into it, and it's probably because my only source of shame is that I think I'm too unhappy (I'm pretty proud of the other bits of me), so I'm probably projecting my own fears (unhappy people don't deserve friends) on to the article.

EDIT: Read the article properly. Not all is aimed at people like me as it talks about not taking responsibility for your feelings/yourself, and doing exactly that is something I take pride in (I'm always able to apologise and fully take responsibility and is very rare for me to unfairly lay the blame out of anger etc.) But I totally recognised the other-directedness. I tend to notice what other people are feeling a lot and be quite focused on them. I probably feel a lot of guilt, for instance if I am happily nattering away about something I read and then notice the other person looks exhausted and I think 'oh God, poor them, I'm talking too much'. I had never seen it as trying to gain love, and I think I'm quite afraid of being or becoming self-centred, but I can see the argument. I'm being a bit too harsh on myself there maybe.