I have exactly one "real life" friend. She and I have been besties for over 15 years. She's closer to me than a sister and the only person to ever show me unconditional love--including my parents (one time I asked my mother if she loved me and she responded "I'm gonna have to think about that.")

We had a stupid fight last night and somehow something fairly minor has exploded into her telling me today that we're done. Over. No longer close. I don't even know how this got so out of control--to my mind we've had far worse blowups in the past that eventually we both got over.

To say I'm devastated would be an understatement. I feel like a part of me has died. She's the only person I trust, all I had to turn to, and now she's done with me. I don't know how to begin fixing this--she won't answer my texts, and she's indicated that she wants no further contact with me. We used to do everything together--we're even roommates ATM. I don't know how this is going to work if she hates me. I can't even begin to think about moving--even if I could afford to I have pets and there are very few places around here that take them.

I would do anything to take back what I said during the fight and have a chance to make this right. I also can't function thinking that she's just gone from my life in the blink of an eye. I've spent all day ugly crying--I was so bad that I had to pretend I had the flu at a dr's appt earlier today to explain why I was red and puffy. I'm also self-injuring again after being clean for almost four months.

I hate myself right now. The only think keeping me from hurting myself is the fact that another person close to my friend killed themselves a few months ago and I would never put her through that pain all over again. But I feel worthless and like the last vestige of support I had has been destroyed thanks to my general horrible behavior.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I don't really expect any sympathy--after all, I blew up a 15 year friendship in less than an hour. Clearly something's deeply broken in me.