I have a friend who I used to have to walk on eggshells with. She got upset about things I didn't understand, and sometimes she would just say something incredibly insensitive to me out of the blue if she was feeling bad about herself. Sometimes I left it a few days and then asked her about what she'd said and she'd get annoyed and say I should have known to ignore what she says when she's in a bad mood.

I agree, it's frustrating, and it's tiring. My mother is like this too.

With my mother, I have distanced a bit and changed our relationship so we don't talk about anything that could set her off. We talk a lot less now.

With my friend, well frankly she gained confidence, got a boyfriend, and now she's super nice and the most compassionate friend I have. She's extraordinarily supportive and she's never insensitive anymore. I also don't have to worry about hurting her feelings because she is more resilient and a lot happier.

If you feel that you do gain from the relationship and that your friend has enough insight to change, then maybe you could try gently pointing out to her when she is being unfair. It's not fair of her to emotionally manipulate you (telling you she is upset when you say something totally fair). you have every right to explain - calmly, politely - that you don't like it when she does that.

If she's sensitive, it's even more important than usual to show compassion, though. Start with the compassion, then move on to the problem.

Start with: "I understand how sensitive you feel about these things and that it's really difficult for you when you feel like you've done something wrong, but sometimes when you tell me you're upset I feel like I can't bring up my own needs - like in this situation. How do you think we could speak to each other differently to make sure we don't end up feeling resentful of each other and neither of us is getting upset?"

Invite her into the discussion - don't just tell her what to do/what not to do - so you can talk about it as adults and as equals.