Secretgalaxy I am so sorry to hear of your struggles. No one should have to endure such psychic pain. Please do whatever you can to stay safe and please see a pdoc ASAP as you cannot think clearly right now thus will not be making sound decisions. Let you Mum look after you. It sounds like she really cares about you and wants to do anything to help. You cannot trust your thoughts right now and need to be protected. If you feel like you will act on your self-destructive impulses please go to emergency immediately to stay safe. This is serious stuff. You a worth protecting. Take care.