Sounds like you are overwhelmed for sure (((((hugs))))

I think you might be right that you need someone IRL to help you. Maybe by beginning with a T, he/she could help you feel good enough about yourself to help you find others to help you.

You need to try and calm down. I'm sorry you are alone. It isn't a good feeling at times, I know.

IDK if you are able to do some CBT, but there is a sticky post at the top of psychotherapy forum... and when you are up to it, read through it a few times. I'm sorry things feel so horrible right now. Those are feelings. You can feel better soon, I hope. TC