So I'm back here writing tonight, not because I'm seeking advice or pity, but just as a place to write and get my frustrations out. I don't have a diary or blog, and I just need someplace to vent. I don't expect replies, as nothing much has changed over the course of the last several weeks. I know what I have to do to make certain changes in my life, but right now I just need to write to get it out of my system.

It's been 12 weeks since my last major blow-up with my Mom, and 12 weeks since I stopped going to the pool. In that time, I've only been out of the house literally three times on my own, and only for a couple of hours. I've been out a few more times for about an hour, half a dozen times to run a couple of errands. Any other time I've been out has been with my Mom, but again, maybe half a dozen times. So for in 12 weeks, I've been outside of the house a total of maybe 12 hours. I feel trapped, like I'm prison. I can't go anywhere without permission from my mom.

Granted, I was very busy all of January, working on a project that I've mentioned before. It kept me busy and on call with the people I'm working with. Otherwise, it's 98% complete; a few hours of week is still happening, but enough that it's pretty much done.

When I have gone out the few times that I have, I've gone job hunting. I'm applied at a few places, online as well. No bites, but I hope something happens soon. I'm starting to go crazy living in the same house with my mom. I eat my meals with her pretty much in silence, and she says nothing. I've never felt so depressed and heartbroken in my life. I deeply miss my ex-GF, I miss the pool, I miss my friends. Going out and doing what I want will result in my mom losing her mind. She needs to know what I'm doing and where I'm going at all times. It's pointless to argue with her.

I hadn't heard from my ex-GF since mid-January. It seemed pointless to continue texting with her, and she was frustrated and angry with me for letting my mom walk all over me. I can't argue with that. Then she texted me out of the blue last week, asked if I was okay, and suggesting I come back to the pool. I told her I couldn't, as it would result in my mom going wild yet again. However, earlier this week I had a chiropractor appointment. It was one of the few times in the last 12 weeks that my mom decided not to tag along (which is rare for her). My physical body has suffered from not going to the pool, and my low back and leg muscles are starting to get very weak. My chiropractor has known my mom for a very long time, and can see how bull-headed and stubborn my mom has been towards me, and sees how my mom's attitude towards me having my own life has resulted in the decay of our relationship, even though my mom doesn't see it that way.

After my chiropractic appointment, I found myself on the other side of the city and time to myself for a change. I texted my ex-GF. She agreed to meet me for a coffee. She seemed quite happy to see me, and we talked about everything that's been going on. She said she didn't fully understand how this could be happening to me, but understood that my mom is out of control, and that's got to be difficult for me. She said everyone at the pool misses me, and asks about me all the time. They understand that my mom has done a number on me. As my ex-GF stated, she's emotionally castrated me.

It felt so good to see my ex-GF, but also incredibly depressing; it just reminded me of all the feelings I still have for her. Of course our coffee has to be kept a secret, god forbid if my mother ever found out that I saw her again. It's like I'm a criminal, or we're having some sort of affair, where neither of us have done nothing wrong. It's Orwellian almost, and mom is Big Brother.

I spoke with a therapist online a few weeks ago. He suggested that my mom does not see me as an adult, but as a 16 year old rather than 36. Sure, she knows my actual age, but can't get past the emotional idea that I'm an adult. He also suggested that financial dependence is a big factor in all of this, and she knows damn well that she can control me in that way. And setting boundaries and having privacy, which I tried with my mom; the therapist said that she sees that as secrets and lies, and cannot see the difference, as that must have been how she was raised with her parents. And I think the therapist is right about that, because that's how I was raised, even though I know it's wrong.

I guess the big hurdle is getting out and being financially dependent. If I had a job starting tomorrow, it wouldn't be enough to cover my living expenses and credit card debts. Moving out would result in my mom no longer helping me with those debts, which would financially ruin me. I need to get my finances and debts under control so that I won't have to rely on her and having to worry about her not making the payments. I'm planning on devoting all of my time job hunting until I actually get something... anything. I also need to get out of this house, it's killing me being locked up in here all the time.

In the meantime, the depression of all of this has really taken a toll on me. I'm not eating much, and I caught the flu a few weeks (even my mom caught it from me). I can't even barely look at my mom anymore, and I resent and hate her more than I thought could ever be possible. I feel robbed of a relationship with someone I cared about, and she doesn't care. I don't know what she wants from me, but clearly it's not to be happy. I kept giving her the pass that it's because of my father's death, but I can't give her that anymore. And speaking of my dad, I keep having recurring dreams of him and my mom, where all we're doing is fighting all the time. That's got to mean something?

Fingers crossed that I'll land a job soon. I can't take it anymore, I'm tired of being so depressed all the time, something needs to change quick.