I had schema therapy - best thing I ever did.

To be honest, I think cherryjogging is partly right, schemas aren't necessarily going to be overcome, you just get to know they're there. And then they stop ruling your life.

My big problem is unrelenting standards. I constantly feel like I'm failing even though I know I'm at least doing as well as my peers, I expect to do a lot better and I procrastinate a lot, I don't put my all in (avoiding unrelenting standards). I used to surrender to unrelenting standards and at that point I worked so hard and so constantly I had nervous breakdowns quite often (burn out). Although it wasn't something we talked about in therapy, I think my US schema is an overcompensation for the defectiveness schema and that's why it's so resilient. I'm not doing as well as I should be, thus I am worthless. But secretly I know that even if I did as well as I wanted to (which I also feel I have the capability to do), I would not feel better.

This is largely because of the defectiveness thing, but at this point it also brings up emotional deprivation - loneliness, essentially, the fact that even were I famous and respected I would still be alone. I don't tend to feel lonely on an every day basis, I'm quite unaware of it, but I feel spaced out and unmotivated - mildly depressed, I suppose you could say.

I also have a low-level abandonment schema, but it is only triggered if my emotional deprivation schema is sated (i.e. if someone shows some kind of unexpected caring towards me), and it's very rare to be triggered. For me, though, abandonment in the couple of times in my life it has been triggered is the most destructive and painful of them all. This might be why I don't enter into relationships, although my conscious reason for not entering intimate relationships is because no one interests me. I think I might be avoiding emotional deprivation, but possibly avoiding abandonment too. When I think of relationships I feel pain (abandonment, I assume), but I also believe that I would not gain anything from a relationship - I expect to be disappointed (emotional deprivation).

Basically, knowing all this about myself helps me to understand what's going on. So I can choose to say to myself - this isn't real, I've just learned to think/feel this way a long time ago. It's very freeing. It doesn't automatically stop the thoughts/feelings coming into my head, but it helps me to believe in them a little less and make different choices. It also you to be 'reborn' in a way, in that you realise things really don't have to be the way they are. You can choose to see things differently.

If anyone else is having schema therapy or has had it and still lives by it then I'd be really, really interested in keeping a thread on here to discuss how we're getting on.

At the moment I am focusing on motivating myself to do more than just sit here ruminating - get on with my work again without overdoing it, try to keep my life in order a bit more, live a little more, socialise a bit more, etc. Just try to increase my productivity and the amount that I live rather than just exist.

All the disconnection/rejection domain stuff I'm leaving until a later date. Cross that bridge when I come to it etc.