I was telling T as a child I would get very loud and excited when my mother was ever on the front step talking with neighbours
But when my mother got me indoors later on she would reprimand (or as T put it, bullocked me) about showing off and showing her up!
Now when I'm having an 'up' day and see someone I know and show out to them, I'm left feeling awful afterwards.
It was only recently I had the memory if my mother in this situation.
T said, I think when your mother was outside with neighbours she was different, almost attuned to you - although she never really was - versus the depressive state she was in away from the eyes if others. It was exciting for you because she appeared to come alive.
Plus because she consistently told you that you weren't feeling what YOU WERE feeling, you became 'louder' in order to hear and feel your feelings. You had to fight to feel.