Quote:
Originally Posted by Hexagram
Gareth,
Thank you for responding to my message.
You are the victim of blackmail, insidious foul play that cost you your job, your work relationships and your mental stability. That the culprit remain unrecognized and unpunished must multiply your anguish. I am so sorry to hear that you had to endure this ordeal. It sounds tragic and horribly damaging. No one deserves to suffer as you have, especially someone made more vulnerable by mental illness.
Yes.
However, completely independent of mental illness, personality and morality, the stress and desperation of your circumstances could drive someone without any kind of mental disorder to do things completely out of character and contrary to high principles and morals. What happened to you and your family was a punishment right out of the Book of Job. Your disease made the situation more painful and vastly more difficult to negotiate successfully, and worse, has made you question your most fundamental ideas about yourself.
What happened was not your fault. You are obviously a good person who cares deeply about his family and his own morals and behavior. I hope that you can recover from the torment of blaming yourself, as it is terribly wasteful and self-destructive to compound your trauma by attacking yourself. You did the best you could to defend your family and yourself against a criminal assault, and you didn't get the support and understanding you deserved. I hope that you are able to heal from this terrible experience and overcome the doubts you now have about yourself.
Discussing these issues with a therapist better qualified to help you than a concerned stranger informed only by his own disease and pain (that would be me) could be very helpful. I offer my sincere sympathy and whatever consolation my commentary can provide.
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I agree and speak as someone who is medically trained.
As the writer above says "completely independent of mental illness, personality and morality, the stress and desperation of your circumstances could drive someone without any kind of mental disorder to do things completely out of character and contrary to high principles and morals".
"Your disease made the situation more painful and vastly more difficult to negotiate successfully, and worse, has made you question your most fundamental ideas about yourself".
You MUST try to forgive yourself.
You are clearly going through considerable psychological trauma ; torment, guilt, remorse, perhaps bewilderment in not understanding why you acted contrary to previously high-held principles and morals.
Fortunately you are not suffering from a terminal illness but I can appreciate that those suffering from mental health issues seldom get the sympathy and understanding that they so richly deserve.
You Deserve To Be Forgiven, To Be Pardoned, But YOU MUST Also Forgive Yourself.
I know there are Psychiatrists out there who will agree that IT WAS THE ILLNESS that caused you react out of character, and that in the absence of the illness you probably would have acted appropriately at all times. PLEASE forgive yourself or your recovery will become more prolonged.
If you are not currently receiving help from a psychologist or psychiatrist then please do so. Good luck with a speedy and full recovery.