Trigger - please be careful!

My other post is here: Click here!

I still haven't gone and got any sort of therapy to deal with it. I was on vacation, and now I'm back and I think I'm backsliding with so much other stuff I'm trying to deal with that I kinda put it on the back burner.

I keep thinking that I brought it upon myself. I didnt want to say who it was before... but it was him, one of the two men who should have loved me as a daughter... and he didn't. My mom isn't even married to him, I refuse to call that man my father.

Did I bring it upon myself? All I keep thinking is that it was my fault once again. I flirt without meaning to, people have told me that. Maybe it was my fault. I'm a bad person... some part of me keeps saying that I must have enjoyed it, but my brain doesnt remember, I dont want to remember. Please just make my brain stop, I cant remember. It will hurt too much. Body works against me ... shouldnt have enjoyed it. bad bad Christina. Sick sick sick. I deserved it, I deserve it to happen again. He made it my choice, he told me so. so confused, how can it be bad when he tells me afterwards I can choose if it happens again? didnt choose the first time though... didnt want it but didnt stop it and so its all my fault again. I'm a bad person so very bad no wonder I'm so screwed up. its all my fault. just glad he'd never lay a hand on my sisters, they're good girls they dont put up with crap they dont let people walk all over them. my fault for trying to make everyone happy once again. hurt myself to make other people happy. my fault my decision to not upset anyone ever. (and yes, they'd tell me if something bad happened) keep thinking that if it was a bit worse i'd have something to complain about, because what happened to me is nothing. absolutely nothing. I am nothing. Nothing happened. he didn't hurt me.

DAMMIT I just want this cycle in my head to end already.

I'm gonna go cry in my corner alone again. all I deserve.

Bad Christina.

stuff in the feelings. stuff in the bad thoughts. no way to deal. cant cut cant do anything cant get this out of my head feel like i'm drowning.

help ... I cant ask for help. I cant get out of this alone anymore.