I am relieved to know that your therapist did tell you thinking about you being able to have the weekend to work through it.

When you find that you are struggling but you have a full day at the same time, try not to tell yourself you are faking it, instead try to tell yourself you are managing it while you have to function even though you are struggling so much. If you tell yourself that you are supposed to "not feel", that can be much harder on you. Instead it is better to admit that you are struggling emotionally and yet you are still working on "doing your life" and surviving and doing the best you can.

You had a bad cycle Jane, and anyone that struggles with PTSD, can sympathize with just how difficult these cycles can be. And everyone that struggles can also know how very much the desire to find some way to get a release takes place too. Honestly, driving to the liquor store like you did is "reasonable" and it only means that the cycle you were experiencing was so challenging that it was overwhelming you. You did really well you know, you sat there and worked through it instead of "acting", that's a big deal.

So you went home and ended up binging on food to gain a sense of comfort. Well, it was not the binging that helped as much as how the binging distracted you enough so that you reduce the build up of cortizone and adreneline that is part of "why" the cycle is difficult and "why" you have so much pain in your chest too.

I don't want to minimize that challenge at all because I have it too and I know how awful it is. Actually, I have been struggling a great deal lately myself and there has not been one thing you have talked about that I can't sympathize with. I am actually having a terrible morning and I woke up feeling awful, and to be honest, as it draws closer to the scheduled Mediation dealing with my case, I have been having a lot of very disabling cycles. I find myself wanting to talk to my therapist pretty much every day, but I can't, I cant' afford it, which in itself is a trigger because I can't afford it because of the debt my neighbor left me with, it's always "there" somehow oppressing or obstructing my ability to get a true time out both financially and mentally.

I know how you feel about having to talk to strangers about experiences that you don't want to talk about, don't want to talk about because it's so painful.
That is what I have to do at that Mediation, but the people I am going to deal with don't have the slightest idea how much I am genuinely struggling, nor do they even "care" either. I want to have my therapist there with me so badly, but, I can't afford it, he would have to set that entire day aside to be with me, there is no way I can come up with the kind of money that would cover all the loss of business he would have to cover by setting that entire day aside to help me. So, if I experience a trigger or disassociate, or experience a flashback, I won't have anyone there to help me.

Well, I am having a lot of very bad days. I have PTSD, I struggle, and while I don't like it, I do remind myself that I must remember to make sure to be kind to myself. Yeah, I sure would like to have a few drinks or anything so I could get a break from having all these bad days. I am doing the best I can to get through each day, and it's been quite the challenge. One thing I am grateful for is that at least I can come here and vent where others can relate.
Or, offer my support when others struggle because that helps too. It keeps me "humble" and to remind myself not to be hard on myself.

You are trying (((Jane))), one day at a time and IMHO, you had some really challenging days, but I think you did damn well at working through them, even though it doesn't feel like it.



OE