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Old Jun 09, 2007, 04:11 AM
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I'm begining to see myself puts up a barrier to life FULL STOP!

I told T yesterday that I see now that I am so damaged I cannot do live like some folk, then a tear dropped then T said and this upsets you? and Immediately folded arms and said NO!

Then I leant forward to check the waste paper basket was there, moved it a bit so I could see it. Its the oppersite end of the room to where T sits, and T said that bin stands for me?

I shrugged. I awoke this morning with thoughts of using, thought about what folk in AA say about what kept you sober yesterday won't keep you sober today, and their using a Higher power to lean on and my inner rage at using any god or higher power and wondered if I could put T in its place, but alas, I can't cross the river to where she stands.

I just can't make that leap across to feel/bond witn anything other than my damamged self.

I feel like an hour glass, no sooner do I think I have hold of her then the glass is tipped and away she spills.

What part of me needs to know that she can be trusted? What part of me won't listen? What part of me runs my life? What part of me doesn't get it? What part of me will I know allow? What part of me holds this resistence??? I feel like the 1812 overture is playing and the armies are at war and no one is listening to no one and all they do is fight and no one wants to allow enought time/risk to see if things maybe different now..