Thanks Ruftin and Alison.

I'm not really sure if things are just impossible. I just don't do them. Like I know what I need to do. I should go out in the sun and exercise and hang out with friends or co-workers and act happier and smile and make plans for weekends and not lie around all day in bed.

But part of me feels like I purposely don't do those things because I don't want to get better. I'm prolonging it on purpose.

Sometimes I have enough gusto to buy books on Amazon about certain topics like "how to be more assertive". But then when they arrive, I never read them.

I don't really set goals for myself. In fact I don't really have any motivation. Everyone thinks my goal should be to "get better". Right now, I say I want to just to appease them, but I don't think I really do.

Part of it comes from believing I don't deserve anything more out of life. Which then makes me think - what kind of ungrateful person have I become? Why don't I want to be better? Why don't I want to live the normal life that has been outlined for me? I have it all so easy, but why do I want to throw that away?

Sorry I'm just rambling. I appreciate your guys' support.