Hello everyone. I am attempting to discover the root cause of my binge eating in an effort to stop my reckless compulsion. First comes the truth... I do this intentionally. I follow a high calorie diet, (3500+) fully aware of what I am doing. I enjoy every bite, and I avoid exercise until I've packed on a substantial amount of weight. When I feel I've reached my breaking point or people around me start to comment, I then cut my calories in half, start working out, and lose a bunch of weight. I do it for the attention... I like it when people make a fuss about how much weight I have lost. I'm in my mid 40's now and this behavior is more dangerous now than it's ever been.

I have a history of seeking attention. My school years weren't particularly pleasant, and I guess I spent the majority of time like most people, just trying to fit in. Soon after graduation came the over-whelming urge to excel, and break away from the pack. (Might have helped my grades had that one kicked in earlier) I became very competitive in everything and I've always tried to put myself out there. As I matured the need to settle down with a full time job and a family has moved me away from that. Whatever void the wild-child behavior was filling before is now filled with high calorie food and drink, then an intense round of diet and exercise. Accolades will be freely accepted and criticism will be used as a spring board to gain me even more accolades through lies and manipulation. For instance, if someone should question as to why I got this way even though I have the knowledge and ability to do otherwise, I will spin some tall tale about some horrific injury or disease that has side-lined me and led me into the deep pit of compulsive eating. The truth is, the only thing I am really feeding is my hungry ego, and by spouting off that line of B.S people will see my sudden recovery as miraculous.


My thought was to just do as I have done here. Come clean and put it all out there so people know my game. Maybe that will somehow stop the reward side of my compulsive behavior, and perhaps I can finally move on to a more meaningful endeavor. Then again, maybe that's just my latest illness/recovery scheme.