No one in my life really cares enough for me to reach out to them. That's not just my bipołar talking. I have been dealing with this for so long, it has become who I am. So it doesn't come as a surprise to anyone when I am suicidal because it is chronic. It is just that sometimes it's worse than other times.

Even with my pdoc and therspist, they know I am suicidal but they just figure I will never act on it. Which is just as well as I don't want to go to a mental hospital. No matter how bad it gets I always think to myself, at least I don't have to be hospitalized. If I lose that then what.

The part that really upsets me is they won't do anything for the depression because it does not last long enough. I can be in a completely different mood state in the morning than in the evening. I am not even sure they believe me or if they think I am "malingering" This is why I wonder if I am bipołar. I don't technically match the full description of bp2.