I've been stuck in the anger stage of grief for a long, long time. I can't seem to climb out of it. So, I decided maybe I needed to go back into therapy to deal with some of the unresolved crap left over from my psychiatrist. I started researching therapists here in my area, and my anxiety has became overwhelming. I literally would rather go to the dentist than sit down across from a new therapist. The panic is too intense, and I've canceled every appointment I made. It literally makes me nauseous to think of it. Some of fears are that the therapist won't believe me, that the therapist will have personal problems that weave their way into our sessions, boundaries issues, that the therapist might see me as a troublemaker, and on and on.

The therapist who I worked with at the same I was seeing the psychiatrist called me yesterday to see how I'm doing. Good timing. After the fiasco with my psychiatrist I moved far away, which meant I also moved far away from my therapist as well. Just hearing my therapist's voice was such a relief. I don't have to explain anything to her. I don't have to prove that I'm trustworthy. I don't have to wonder if she thinks I'm a liar or not (she turned the psychiatrist in and testified against him - she already knows the situation, she already knows who is telling the truth and who isn't). We are going to do long distance phone therapy - not as powerful as sitting across from someone but I think it's the only way right now that I can work through some of the issues I still need to address. One of the first things I'm going to tell her is thank you for believing me. Today I feel relieved and grateful.