When did it seemed like something changed? You knew this man for 5 years, before deciding to marry him. So you must have once thought that he met your needs. When did that not seem true anymore? Was it related to kids coming on the scene, or something else?

Of all the men that you could have "pursued," you selected him. You selected him for reasons. I don't believe that people's basic natures change. But along the way you discovered that what he has to offer doesn't mesh with what you'ld like to get, and you got real dissatisfied.

I fell in love with a man who drank too much, but I still wanted him. After living with him for 7 years, I came to believe I'ld never know happiness living with his level of heavy drinking. I got tired of being the one who made sure the rent got paid. So we're living apart now, but still close emotionally. He did eventually stop drinking, but there's always been issues that disappoint me. I tried couples therapy, but he didn't seem committed to the process. He went to pacify me, and you can imagine how little that accomplished.

Try and see when your view of the relationship changed. What was going on that made his inabilities start to seem very hard on you? The inabilities weren't new, but your level of dissatisfaction was.

It's tempting to hope that input from a third party will help the dynamics in your favor . . . that the T can get him to see things as you want him to. Meanwhile, he sees this as an alliance formed against him. He probably doesn't want to spend sessions hearing about how hurt you were in years past, when this happened or that didn't happen. But it feels so good for you to get it out, especially with an objective validator sitting by. I don't think money is what really made him stop the sessions. He probably didn't feel he was getting that much out of it. So he may go again, but only to a different T, who he hopes may be his ally.

Somethings we have to fix ourselves, or accept as unlikely to change. You secluding yourself at the other end of the house is you giving up on interacting with him. Do you ever try getting mad at him, when he denigrates you for not being strong? I think fighting has an actual constructive role to play in relationships. It's messy and upsetting, and I can see why one might avoid it. But I don't know that you can contract out to have work done on the relationship. And it is costly. Maybe paying the bills you've already wracked up is an appropriate priority. (I sometimes think that Suze Ormand gives out the best marital advice.) Examine how thise bills arose and what that says about the ability of you two to collaborate responsibly. Maybe one of you, or both if you, has been spending money to substitute for getting mire out of the relationship. I know I did that Big Time, and so did my guy. I went out to wine and dine myself, whenever I was mad and hurt and frustrated. I also ran up bills seeing pdocs and therapists . . . because I deserved a better life. They never helped much.

You don't sound ready to give up on him, so maybe collaborate with him on the finances. Maybe go to a consumer debt counselor and agree on an austerity plan.

Getting back to my original question, could it be that you two started to grow noticeably apart around the same time that the finances began getting out of hand? Putting your heads together on money matters might be a productive exercise in closeness. Make a goal and talk frequently about how you are progressing. I have noticed that close couples tend to be very hand-in-glove about their finances. Give it some thought.