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Honestly I don’t know if I’m being a baby and overreacting or if I’m actually being emotionally abused. I’m kind of just unsure of everything.
I haven’t had a very good relationship with my family since I was about 6-8 years old. I can’t really remember how my relationship with my family was back then, I just know I was closer to my family then than I am now (I’m currently 14 years old). As I was growing up (9+), my relationship with my family started to falter. I did move around 6 years old and around then is when things started to go downhill.
As I said before, I don’t have the best memory of when I was younger but I do remember certain times of when I was unhappy.
I remember for multiple years (I’d say from 2nd-5th grade) I always kept a backpack full of clothes and a little bit of money and food just in case I wanted to run away. I don’t particularly remember why but I know I used to believe I was treated unfairly. That may just have been because I was young.I did often notice I’d get less favored than my older brother (which again I’m not sure if its just because I was younger and didn’t understand).
I also have a vivid memory of being younger (around 7) and sick. I had to take pills which had scared me a lot. I remember putting one in my mouth then being too scared to swallow it so I spit it back into my hand. My mom had gotten really angry and pushed my down and yelled at me for being a baby. I had gotten smacked (not hard but still shocking) a few times for not taking my medicine.
I’ve also always grown up with the habit of bedwetting (which I am very embarrassed of) and always been treated poorly by family because of that. My mom used to yell at me saying that I wasn’t trying to get out of the habit of it, etc. I remember always feeling like she used it against me to feel bad (but again I was younger so I’m not sure if that was a feeling with legitimate reasons behind it).
I did often steal food from the pantry and would lie about it. I can’t remember why I’d lie but I do know that 1) I didn’t want chores and 2) I was scared my mom would yell. I was always scared of her yelling. I don’t know why but it’s utterly terrifying to me, even now.
In 6th grade I started to change. I realized I was bisexual but was always too afraid to come out (still haven’t) even though my mom isn’t homophobic. I started to self harm (cutting) part of the reason to fit in with a certain group of people (that was only a small part) and part of the reason because my mom started yelling more often because I had started up the habit of stealing food from the pantry again (I had gained an eating disorder). At school I had lost all my friends and sat in the corner of the school’s field listening to music. I had many friends growing up, exceedingly good grades and everyone had high expectations of me. In 6th grade I lost all of those basically because I started liking rock music and because a new girl had arrived who everyone liked (and who became popular immediately). My mom didn’t realize this change at school, nor did she notice when I stopped wearing short sleeves and started cutting. She noticed a scar across my wrist once that was hardly noticeable. She asked me about it and I had told her it was just a scratch. She didnt question me or ask again.
7th grade presumably got both better and worse. I gained friends and I was happy but I still self harmed quite a bit because I was bullied. My family relationship got a lot worse and I longed for attention. Nobody gave me much attention unless I was being yelled at for doing something wrong. I kept my grades up but I started skipping class more often. My mom gave me many many chores until I finally made up a bedtime for myself and pretended to sleep. In reality I’d stay awake until 3-4am talking to friends or playing games because it was my only free time.
Every time I’d do my chores my chores they “were done wrong” and my mom would yell at me saying that she has to redo everything my brother and I did since we couldn’t do it right. My mom was constantly yelling for who knows what.
This year has gotten so much worse and thats why I’m actually on here looking to figure things out. I really have developed a dislike for going home although I dont really like being at school either. School has become really easy for me except for geometry (which is a class im taking thats two grades higher than my grade level). I dont have too many friends which is ok, I weeded out the ones that made me feel bad. I really only have 2 people in my life that I trust and one is my best friend who I hardly see and the other is my online bf (8 months and lives across the US). They’re the only reasons I havent committed suicide or severely hurt myself. Last year I was able to join many clubs to avoid going home so it was easier to deal with family. This year my mom doesnt allow me to join clubs. From the moment I go home till the time I go to sleep I’m busy with chores (my mom doesnt give me the luxury of studying). I stay up all night, rarely sleeping just to be able to get homework done. It’s also the only time I can have entertainment.
My mom rarely talks to me, only when she wants me to do something or she’s boasting about one of her accomplishments. Any time I’m told to do chores and its not perfectly done I am yelled at or scolded. If I disagree with some of her opinions she gets into a bad mood and snaps at anything anyone does.
Bringing this back to my habit of bedwetting (which I still have and dont know how to get rid of), my mom recently told me to leave my door open while I clean my room so I can watch our two dogs at the same time. My room smells strongly of urine which she is aware of and she said she still wanted me to leave the door open. She then left to go to thrifting for furniture. I did exactly as she said. When she got home our house smelled of urine because of my door being open. She began yelling at my saying she was “sick if my ******** and my habit of bedwetting.”, she then said we were supposed to have company over but now they couldnt come inside because “my habit of bedwetting is an embarrassment” for her. I got very upset because I was considered an embarrassment and I’m actually very strongly embarrassed of it myself. I’d give anything in the world to stop bedwetting since I’m 14 and feel like a baby.
All my life I have been made fun of for my opinions in my house. My music taste is “emo”. I like kpop and anime so “I’m trying to be asian”, etc. I gave up on expressing my opinions years ago. I’ve never been asked what I wanted to be when I’m older and when I expressed I wanted to be a marine biologist my mom told me I should do something that gains me money, not something that I’m interested in.
My mom also tends to spend her money on decorating our house versus money for supplies or lunch for school. My house feels like a museum versus a home. I dont feel safe at home like I do when I’m at my best friends.
I’m more comfortable talking to my teachers than i am to my own parents. My parents truly are good people, they pay our bills, make sure we eat dinner and have clothes that at least somewhat fit, etc. They just dont allow me to be myself around them.
I know my mom is under stress but lately I have been too. I dont know if I am overreacting because I’m still going through puberty or am just over sensitive or if something is actually happening. I dont really know what else to say but I do want to add that I have really strong anxiety, I’ve developed insomnia, and for about a year I’ve been feeling kind of dead inside at all times except when I’m with my best friend or talking to my boyfriend.. I used to be apathetic for quite a while and I get depressed very easily. I hate my appearance and most things about myself. Idk how to explain everything. I often feel as if I am to blame for my moms stress and that maybe its my fault for not being engaged with my family (although when I try they dont seem to care). Idk.
Sorry this post is so long. I’ve felt like I’ve needed to get it all out and explain in detail to get some answers. Is this all in my head or am I actually being emotionally abused?
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