The last time I met with T, she seemed frustrated that I was presenting as more depressed. That triggered a fear of her refusing to see me because I appear to be decompensating as a result of therapy (she had brought up that I appear more depressed as therapy has progressed. I didn't think to point out that I was starting to be a bit less fake around her as I have gotten to know her a bit)... Anyway, she's been out for 3 weeks now. Immediately after that last session, my walls went up and I functioned reasonably well. Each cancellation triggered a lot of emotions and fears, but the walls went back up pretty quick. I was hoping to get to the next appointment and be all "hey. I coped really well. didn't miss you all that much (though got a bit worried about you). everything was peachy while you were out"... only it's getting difficult to keep the walls in place.
I start new volunteer training tomorrow. it's something I thought was a great idea at the time I signed up, but now I have a lot of anxiety around it. I'm not sure if I should be expecting to see T at our "regular" time on Tuesday. Not only am I worried she will still be out, but when the secretary cancelled last week, I didn't say I wanted to keep next week's appointment if T was out all last week. I don't want to assume I have that time slot only to find I was wrong, but I also don't know if she is expecting me to keep the time. It's in the morning of her first day of the week... I guess I could call that morning under the guise of figuring out if she's in this week, then ask if my regular time is available, but don't want to be annoying. I had left her a message that she will get when she returns that said I would take whatever worked best for her schedule upon her return... Totally my fault for being ambiguous and indecisive
Now on top of it all, my monthly depression is kicking in later than expected. At this point if T sees me next week, I will be more depressed, which will make her want to kick me out for sure (I know, T's are not supposed to kick out for depression, but the agency does trauma therapy, and they want their clients to be able to handle it)...
Maybe I just need to slip the walls and mask back into place for this T. I don't have her for too much longer, so, :shrug:... we are half-way through the allotted number of sessions. Maybe it's better this way, since we havn't really been able to accomplish anything anyway.