I'm not the real me with meds. - I am not able to live without them? I feel the times I'm not medicated even for a small bit. I scare others away. Everyone on here. People in real life.

Am I a monster?

I'm feeling very melancholic with a deep longing for my old self. The un-medicated me. Then it makes me wonder though. Is there any way I can really win this game?

I take meds. I live a normal life. A normal boring life. Living in a fog. Probably still unable to attain relationships but I dredge and work. I create a wealth for myself alone. Or try to. Then I slowly age and watch everyone die before me. My parents. My siblings. My pets. I'll die alone.

If I stop the meds. I go back to my anxious ways. I become reliant on my parents again. I'll become mad at my worthlessness and want to kill myself and possibly do kill myself. I wouldn't be in a fog though. I would be the real me. The one with thoughts.

Don't tell me the medicated me is the real me. How can someone who is medicated be their true self?

I can't stay medicated forever. So the being a real person train will end eventually.