You are definitely not a monster, Thule! The right medication is not going to be a magic happy pill or make all your problems disappear. It will give you enough distance or reaction time to deal with those thoughts and anxiety.
There are always other options like therapy to help learn coping skills as well. Perhaps use the medications to help and you can tone down on them when you get better at dealing with those anxious feelings?
i would just like to congratulate you on the progress you have made, getting a job is hard work! ❤