_mouse,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I come from similar circumstances and I know how hard this is. Sometimes we can't see a future because we are so blinded by the past.

Have you worked with T to create a safe place? It took me the longest time to find one. I would find the "danger" no matter where I "went." Like if I "went" to the beach, it would be okay for awhile but then I would "feel" someone watching me. But we alternated between the safe place and the trauma so it wasn't too overwhelming.

I have been suffering from PTSD since childhood. I've been in therapy for ten years now, and it has taken me that long to process some the past. I have told some of my story over and over again to the point I thought the intensity would never end.

I told my story until it didn't need telling anymore.

I still get triggered. My feelings associated with the past are terror, sadness and mistrust. Those emotions act as a smoke screen for the real emotion which is anger. I cannot deal with anger. Anger = violence. (to me) I'm just beginning to work on this now.

How can one keep going on and on when they are beaten time after time by the past?

We have to try and make sense out of the senseless so we can feel it, process it, and move on.

I hope it was okay to share some of my experience and I didn't "hijack" your thread.