I have been trying very hard not to cut myself.

But I am finding that when I do not do so I quickly begin to lose my control.
I can feel myself fading away and these thoughts keep getting louder.
I cant shut them up without the blood.

I am afraid to try and stop because when I do begin again, the wounds are
deeper each time.
It's as though I am outside of myself attacking a puppet when I don't cut at the first sign of these thoughts that invade my mind.

And when I'm done
It's all quite.
It's just me again.

I don't want to die.
But if I stop. I am afraid I will lose this battle.

I've tried to seek help before, but it seems that part of me doesn't want it.
That part somehow convinces me to turn back.

Please advise.