the main reason that made me looking for a community and finally arriving here was/is that I am hardly able to let somebody nearby without finding myself deeply disturbed sooner or later. I have a couple of friends and my family but I prefer beeing alone. Having an intimate relationship and also beeing alone all the time, it both makes me loose myself, each side means just a different way of loosing myself. on one hand I am afraid of beeing defenceless, exposed and feeling used and caught forever and on the other hand I am afraid of beeing not loved, beeing unseen, not reflected and forgetting who Iam. So real-face to face-relationships are difficult to me to manage. In relationship I often feel like something is pulling me out, I have to flee or firstly I have to avoid the possibilty...I am afraid someone could be seriously interested in me. When I say "have to" I mean itīs like an avoiding programm that I must obey and itīs tearing me up but itīs kind of overwhelming. I cantīt avoid the avoiding programm. the last few years it has become less extreme but itīs still very constantly. it makes me suffer from loneliness and anxiety....
a community like this seems to me a secure and comforting place to may interact with people without beeing afraid...I hope to find some contacts in here...
yours .....
(this was a rather covert introducion on who I am, I thought it more suitable to be placed in here than elsewhere)